LOST in my Brain
Sitting at the McDonald’s typing on the MacBook thinking about drinking a McCafe…
I decided not to go out tonight and just hang with the kiddies. I was supposed to go to a wine tasting and had a sitter lined up, but felt sort of wishy-washy about it all day and really wanted to have a night with my kids where we don’t have to do homework or activities, and I can be the fun mom for a change. AND, if that means we have dinner at this place (since I told Coop it was his choice), then so be it. The play area is packed with families all with the same idea, so the noise in there is unbearable. But the kids are having fun. I know this food is horrible, but we try all week to be good and sometimes you just have to give in. It’s all about balance right?!
Anyway, the other reason I didn’t want to go out tonight is because that would be two nights in a row. I went out with my girlfriends last night (not the ones that hate each others guts and not the ones who are all married to Brian’s friends – well except Steph). We had fun. We drank and we danced and in the end, I was given a ride home from a complete stranger who was supposedly sober. I wasn’t. I texted Vis but he was already asleep and in hind site I should have called, but like I said I was not exactly sober and so judgment is one of those things that get’s compromised. I actually had to leave before everyone else so I could get home to the sitter. Her mom always comes and gets her and was probably pissed that it was 1:30 in the morning (sorry Colleen).
Then I had a half an hour conversation with Brian (another bad judgment call answering the phone at 2AM), and he made me cry. I didn’t just cry, I wailed. It was uncontrollable and just came over me like some sort of involuntary seizure. And he just kept talking and I could not even hear what he was saying and I wasn’t sure why I was crying but I remember thinking, “this feels good, I really need this” and then “what the hell does he expect me to say”…and then as it continued “Jesus my head hurts and I have to get off the phone and go to sleep”.
The pain I feel with the rejection I’ve been dealt makes my lip quiver and sometimes makes me so angry I can feel my jaw tighten. There have been moments when it has pushed me to the limit and I’m pretty sure I have not yet experienced the full force of what is surely suppressed inside me about the things that happened with Brian. On the surface I brush it away and when I talk about it to other people, I paint a picture of indifference. Truth be told, I’m not sure what might be buried below. I’ve got a tight lock on it like that “hatch” in LOST. It’s likeis down there putting in those numbers every eight hours and pushing that button, just so the fury never gets unleashed. And I’m just sitting up here in the jungle running from the occasional Smoke Monster.
Well last night Desmond left his post, if just for a brief moment, and I got a taste of the power being kept at bay. It stands to reason with all the years and years I had dedicated and all the effort I put into that relationship that ending it would come with more than indifference. There were moments when things were so raw and volatile and yet others that I just did not have the capacity to comprehend. Something in me pushed those things down before they even registered in my limbic brain. Like the part of my brain that receives sensory input passed it to the thalamus, and she said “Whoa, this shit is going to be a problem. Put it in the hole – and give Desmond the code”.
And then when I was thinking about all of it this morning while laying in bed, I was questioning the imbalance, because it is so counter to what I believe. Why do people always want what they can’t have? What makes this girl over here pine over that guy that won’t give her the time of day while that guy is thinking of being with this other girl who is not available? Why does Brian want me now and want to try and fix things and be a family now when it’s too late? Why does Vis just want to be friends? Will he regret it when it’s too late too or will he be just like Joshua and act like our time together never happened. Then I start wondering if all relationships are like this. If all guys are weird and things are never normal. Then I had to get up and start my day and I forgot all about these questions until just now.
And just when I type the words “all guys are weird and things are never normal” some jack-knob walks by with a ring hole in his ear the size of a 50 cent piece. And I’m now thinking “yup, so not normal”. But this isn’t real life, this is McDonald’s where the people of Wal-Mart come for their weekly meetings and strange is the language of choice.
Now where’s my McCafe?…